I got in trouble Sunday morning. Hell, it was the first time I went to church in 48 years, and I got in trouble.
I was only trying to be helpful. There was a good size woman seated beside me. I didn't know her, but she appeared to be a nice lady. When she stood at the end of the sermon, I noticed that her dress was being eaten by the crack of her ass. Being the refined gentleman that I am, I just grabbed the hem of her dress and gave it a gentle tug, successfully saving the dress from her hungry ass.
Well, the fat lady turned and, right there in church, gave me one mean go-to-hell look. Hell, I thought she was possessed by the damned devil, she looked so mean.
Being the sensitive gentleman that I am, I decided to "turn the other cheek" (no pun intended!) I figured that if she had taken umbrage at my action, that I would make amends.
When she turned away from me, I politely stretched forth my hand and shoved the dress back in to the gaping crack.
She let out a howl that would put my coon dog to shame. The preacher's eyes lit up! He thought she had gotten the Holy Ghost for a moment. She turned toward me and actually started beating my gentlemanly head with her purse, and talking just plain mean to me.
By this time, the preacher decided that it wasn't that she had gotten the Holy Ghost, but that I had been grasped by an evil spirit. Oh, when he made that announcement, the place went wild! The deacons started tripping all over everybody to get to me so they could finally get a chance to cast out a demon.
I tell you, things were getting serious. Before I knew it, there were 18 pairs of hands laid on me and everybody was commanding the demon to leave. I tried to explain that it was a simple lack of communication, but they couldn't hear me over their own babble.
Finally, I saw some humor in the situation, so I decide to play it out. I loudly said in the most demonic voice I could muster, "I am Iron Man"! Man, you ain't never seen such a reaction! It was as if somebody stopped a movie to a single frame. Nobody mad a sound, nobody made a move.. Then I said, in the same devilishly demonic voice, "Now the time is here
for Iron Man to spread fear. Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved."
I tell you what, that's when the excrement hit the fan. I swear, as fast as those folk ran to cast the demon outta me, they ran twice as fast to find some "yonder". And I think it was the preacher man leading the way out!
The whole church was empty in 54 seconds flat.
Before I left, I looked up at the Lord and said, "All this because a big woman's ass was eating her dress". I shook my head and left.
I tell truthfully, some people are just plain hard to get along with.
Sent in by King khandu, Lord of all Mississippi 01.23.03
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